


He's A Bad Boyfriend Too

by blythechild



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Awkward Romance, Developing Relationship, Drinking & Talking, Drunk Texting, Fights, Flirting, Fluff, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, Relationship Problems, Romantic Friendship, Silly, Texts From Last Night, We Just Love Each Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-14
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-06-10 11:38:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15290730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blythechild/pseuds/blythechild
Summary: Aaron and Spencer have a relationship issue that Spencer thinks is best solved via drunk texting. This is a sequel to Conclusive Proof That You Have A Terrible Boyfriend.This is a work of fanfiction and as such I do not claim ownership over the characters herein. It was created as a personal amusement. This fic contains suggestive language, it should not be read by those under the age of 16.





	He's A Bad Boyfriend Too

**Author's Note:**

> This is a continuation of [Conclusive Proof That You Have A Terrible Boyfriend](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13259058)
> 
> Because people asked for more OOC, texting-Reid/Hotch. Careful what you wish for, and, ta-da! *magic hands*

Reid: This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?  
Hotch: Spence?  
Reid: Nvrmnd. Figured it out.  
Hotch: SPENCE? Where are you? I thought you were coming over?  
Reid: You were mistaken.  
Reid: Jerk.  
Hotch: ??? I think you need to explain yourself.  
Reid: Explain MYSELF?  
Reid: EXPLAIN UR OWN DAMNED SELF, YOU UNCULTURED BADGER!  
\---  
Hotch: ummm, what?  
Reid: THAT GOT AUTOCORRECTED. I MEANT: UNCURATED BAGGAGE.  
Hotch: I know you think that’s clearer, but it really isn’t.  
Reid: ARGH! AUTOCORRECT!  
Hotch: Are you stoned again?  
Reid: NO  
Hotch: Drunk, then?  
Reid: PERHAPS  
Hotch: *eyeroll* Why am I a badger, Spencer?  
Reid: BECAUSE YOUR FIRST ACT OF THE MONTH WAS TO GET STABBED. I HATE YOU.  
Hotch: Spence…  
Reid: Emily’s right: you are a fabulous human disaster. U need to apologize for being the WORST man I could fall for, then turn into a crappy boss again so I can safely loathe u from a distance til retirement.  
Hotch: Did Emily get you drunk?  
Reid: NONE OF UR BUSINESS. QUIT CHANGING THE SUBJECT, BADGER!  
Reid: B.A.S.T.A.R.D.  
Reid: ugh, finally. fingers hurt.  
Hotch: Spencer, you know the job & you knew who I was going into this. I don’t feel like I owe anyone an apology. Not even the guy I punched in the face over the stabbing. But now I have to apologize to you??  
Reid: Wrong Answer >:/  
Reid: Ur multiple attempts at losing ur life, no matter how unintentional they are, has put a damper on our friendship. Tired of it.  
Reid: Every time you come over you bleed on everything.  
Hotch: That is ridiculous hyperbole. You must be drunk to the point of toxicity. Are you near water? Drink some water.  
Reid: Give me back my Dr. Who pajamas I left at ur place. Also, my glasses are somewhere in ur living room.  
Reid: And my underwear might be in ur bathroom or in/around ur porch. No need to give those back.  
Hotch: Spence… are you attempting to break up with me?  
Reid: NOT ATTEMPTING. ACHIEVING.  
\---  
Hotch: …This isn’t a solid plan & I don’t think you really want to do it while drunk  
Reid: I CAN DO WHAT I WANT. UR NOT THE BOSS OF ME!  
Reid: well, not at nite  
\---  
Hotch: I guess this isn’t too surprising. We do have a rich, storied history of emotional warfare.  
\---  
Hotch: *sigh*  
Hotch: But I love your skinny ass  
Hotch: I love its unbearable judgment  
Hotch: I love its exasperation at my emotional constipation  
Hotch: I love that I’m never safe from another incidence of wallpapering my office with hard copies of embarrassing, personal insights  
Hotch: I even love your drunk insults and likening me to a burly member of the weasel family  
\---  
Reid: fcking badger  
Reid: Damn it. How do u turn this off? Seriously, phone. Stop autocorrecting all my curses. Ur making all my strongly-worded texts look harmless + adorable.  
Hotch: First things first – I’m slowly warming to this new nickname, Mantis ;)  
Reid: U r irredeemable. U know that rite? Maybe u don’t. Badgers aren’t smart…  
Hotch: Secondly, I need your help with something  
Reid: what  
Hotch: The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. So it would be very inconvenient if you dumped me.  
\---  
Reid: dammit, Aaron  
Reid: We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited-love town and that's where I'm going to live my life & then die, isn’t it?  
Hotch: What’s ‘unrequited’ about wanting to do you in the Air & Space Museum? That’s a regret of mine – we should’ve done that… wish I had a first date do-over, truly…  
Reid: CAN YOU STOP THINKING ABOUT SEX FOR A SEC? IM DRUNK-SERIOUS RITE NOW.  
Hotch: Alright listen: I’m sorry that I step in front of sharp objects regularly. And bullets. And that I attract the fascination of psychopaths. I’d much rather spend my days taking naked naps with you & trying to figure out how to tell you that I crave you more than German chocolate cake.  
Hotch: Most days I wish I could fold you up + tuck you into my breast pocket so you’d always be next to me. Like a nerdy, slightly-frayed pocket square that doesn’t match any of my suits.  
\---  
Reid: oh god, we are both terrible  
Hotch: Yeah, but we're also awesome, and you know it  
Reid: I hate that I love u. I hate that I can’t even hate u when I want to. We’re screwed up enough that we’ll always have something to get over.  
Reid: Gonna blame Mom. She encouraged my fascination with weirdness.  
\---  
Hotch: You don’t mean that, do you?  
Reid: That it’s Mom’s fault? Yes.  
Hotch: No. That you hate that you love me.  
\---  
Reid: no. just drunk. & frustrated. & bored. I’m locked in Em’s bathroom.  
Hotch: WHY  
Reid: Said it was the only safe place for me when I slipped & fell while dancing the time warp. Again. Tho, whose fault is it rly – mine? Or the person who put on the Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack to distract me?  
Reid: She tried to confiscate my phone too but I hid it somewhere she didn’t want to go  
Hotch: I have so many questions. And yet, I am not even slightly shocked.  
\---  
Hotch: So, are you in for the night?  
Reid: Looks like it. Unless Em has some alice-in-wonderland-mushrooms in her medicine cabinet…  
Hotch: Wouldn’t put it past her  
Reid: If I make it outta here, ur gonna have to start calling me Batman.  
Reid: Skinny Batman  
Reid: BATMAN MANTIS  
Hotch: Your ludicrous response has earned you a blow job this week  
Reid: That makes sense. A good bj is a trump card in any argument. Well played, sir.  
Hotch: LOL! Does this mean you’re not angry with me anymore?  
Reid: Don’t be silly. So long as u have a pathological disregard for living, I’ll be angry with you. I’d threaten ur life, but, well…  
Hotch: I’ve decided to view your threat as flirting  
Reid: OF COURSE U THINK I’M FLIRTING, IDIOT BADGER  
\---  
Reid: picking the bathroom lock. challenging b/c there are 3 of them.  
Hotch: Emily has 3 locks on her bathroom???  
Reid: no, just 1. I’m seeing 3.  
Reid: you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later  
Hotch: Here’s a secret – I’m always turned on by you. I’m inordinately charmed by your dick. And it helps that I like the person it is attached to.  
Reid: Ur back to being pervy + disreputable I see  
Reid: almost got the lock. locks. So many locks.  
Hotch: It’s not my fault. I didn’t see it coming. You were nerdy & cute, nerdy & cute, and then BAM! you were the accidentally-hottest guy I ever met.  
Hotch: And the sex is ridiculous. I’m keeping you.  
Reid: See? This is why I’m conflicted. Feel charmed/aroused/marginalized at once…  
\---  
Reid: IM FREE! I AM BATMAN!  
Hotch: Does your conflict mean you won’t come over now?  
Reid: no. on my way. b/c I’m drunk, gullible, & you make me want to do things I’m pretty sure are illegal.  
Hotch: But I’m so enamored with your brain, Spence. It’s YOUR BRAIN that I’m hot for.  
\---  
Reid: If people only knew u were like this… o_O  
Hotch: Why do you think I scowl so much? It takes effort to lock this down, you know.  
Reid: Coming. ETA 20 mins. Bonus points if you answer the door naked. Saves time. Also, I’ll need a left shoe – I seem to have lost mine.  
Hotch: What if I’m naked, reading The Hobbit in my couch-blanket-fort when you get here?  
\---  
Reid: IF THAT MESSAGE WASN’T A HALLUCINATION IM CLIMBING U LIKE A RABID SQUIRREL WHEN I GET THERE  
Hotch: See? We’re exactly the same :)  
Reid: WHAT’S “DRIVE FASTER” IN KOREAN?  
\---  
Reid: [failed picture text]  
Reid: Damn. Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.  
Hotch: The door is unlocked. Let yourself in, Gandalf ;)

 

~~~~~~~~

 

Prentiss: Is Reid with you? He better be otherwise he’s escaped and is terrorizing the villagers again…  
Hotch: Prentiss, it’s 5 am  
Prentiss: I’m sorry, Tinkerbell, did I interrupt something? Tell Reid he owes me a new bathroom door. Looks like he tried to chew his way out. I’m gonna blame YOU for that, Hotch.  
Hotch: ?  
Prentiss: You & your phallus were the topic of conversation last night. Some of it complimentary. Much of it deeply weird. He sure has it bad for you, even when he’s volcanically angry.  
Hotch: I have been made aware of this.  
Hotch: Sorry for any discomfort it may have caused you.  
Hotch: I’ll pay for the door.  
Prentiss: *eyeroll* How about you don’t make him worry about you so much instead? We’ll call it even. Surely this… inappropriate adoration goes both ways, doesn’t it?  
\---  
Hotch: It does.  
Prentiss: Thank fuck, because you are the WORST boyfriends, which ironically makes you perfect for each other. I love it when the odds flip on you and the math ends up making no sense…  
Hotch: Prentiss, I’m not comfortable having this conversation.  
Prentiss: And I’M not comfortable knowing that he likes using your tie collection while tying you to the bed. Makes me never want to go to work again. I can only imagine the sweater kink you’re developing…  
Hotch: Goodbye, Prentiss. See you at the morning briefing.  
Prentiss: Srly, that guy has ZERO filters when he’s inebriated. Has he told you about his thing for rubber yet? Of course, he has…  
Hotch: Emily  
Prentiss: What about his love of otters? Or has he admitted how much your ‘command voice’ gets him revved up?  
Hotch: Emily >:(  
Prentiss: You 2 are kinkier than Jheri Curl. Who would’ve thought it…  
Hotch: GOODBYE. I’m turning off my phone now.  
Prentiss: No you aren’t ;) You’d sooner cut off your arm. Yer just cranky because it’s early, I have fabulous tits that you have no interest in, and NOW I KNOW WHY. It’s fucking beautiful. Today is starting out great.  
\---  
Hotch: Will you leave me alone if I tell you I have to roll over so my morning can start off great as well?  
Prentiss: Just so long as you guys don’t wear those ties to work today. That’s my line in the sand.  
Hotch: Deal.  
Prentiss: Off you go to you “happy ending” then ;)  
Hotch: Privacy, Emily. Please.  
Prentiss: I am the soul of discretion :) Expect an email with links to the finer rubber purveyors in the tri-state area forthwith. 

 

.


End file.
